


Do You Ever Really Crash

by BlueGirl22



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Depression, Do you like angst and trees? Yes! Then this is the fic for you!, Gen, So yeah, Suicide Attempt, as for triggers & such umm, i want to, just evan's thought process and actions before/after The Tree Incedint, so I'm fairly certain that his has already been done but consider this:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 19:32:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10225505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueGirl22/pseuds/BlueGirl22
Summary: (There's not much to summarize so have a quote)"It was an absolutely beautiful day. The afternoon sun hung high in space, the air was warm and dry, and the forest smelled pleasantly of dirt from rain the day before. And it should have been quiet, too. Sitting at the base of an tree, Evan put his head between his knees and tried, once again, to slow his breathing. He had left his house for the woods while dew was still on the grass, hoping that being amongst the trees would make him feel better, but no such luck. Nothing could help him. He had been feeling progressively worse since school let out in mid June, and well, it was late August now."(enjoy, kudo and comment thank)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This musical gave me a bad case of The Emotions, so I wrote a thing. This fandom needs more fic, so I implore you to also write a thing if you feel A Single Emotion.

It was an absolutely beautiful day. The afternoon sun hung high in space, the air was warm and dry, and the forest smelled pleasantly of dirt from rain the day before. And it _should_ have been quiet, too. Sitting at the base of an tree, Evan put his head between his knees and tried, once again, to slow his breathing. He had left his house for the woods while dew was still on the grass, hoping that being amongst the trees would make him feel better, but no such luck. Nothing could help him. He had been feeling progressively worse since school let out in mid June, and well, it was late August now.

He sat up and tipped his head back against the tree trunk, trying to make the sun dry his face of the tears that appeared to have stopped for now. Once more, no such luck. His face was now merely warm _and_ damp, like his hands when he tried to talk to Zoe Murphy last year. He should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to do it. Hell, he’d barely spoken to anyone for the past two months. On the rare occasion that he was home at the same time as his mother, he would mumble something in her general direction, but that was it. Otherwise, he had nothing to say.

Slowly, Evan opened his eyes, squinting in the direct sunlight. With his face pointed directly up tree, all he saw was sky and branches. He guessed it was about forty feet tall. The tree top waved in the breeze. It looked peaceful up there. He got to his feet with care, keeping his sight trained on the swaying limbs. He tried focusing on them and them alone, but a new round of tears kept blurring his vision. He let himself double-over as he felt his knees buckle beneath him, and his forearms crashed into the ground. As sobs racked his body, he dug his hands into the damp earth. He really, _really_ wanted to scream, but was already angry with how loud he was being. The forest was a peaceful place, and he was ruining it.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop crying. He was unloved, unskilled, had no friends, was a burden to everyone he even remotely cared for, and, just to top it all off, there was no way in hell he’d ever be able to afford college. Hot tears rolled down his face, splashing onto his fists.

He remembered that, when he was little and would get like this, Mom and Dad would always be there to hold him, tell him everything was okay, and, afterwards, provide a tub of ice cream and a spoon. After Dad left and Mom had to take on a ton more hours at work, Evan had needed to learn how to deal with his stupid little meltdowns by himself. And that was fine, obviously. Mom certainly had better and more important things to do than deal with an overly-sensitive temperamental teenager.

He lay curled up on the ground until he managed to catch his breath, and shakily got up. Glancing at the sky and branches again, he decided it might be easier to calm down up there.

Or, something, at least.

He reached out a tentative hand for a bough just above his head, and hoisted himself up. He kept having to remind himself that he _liked_ climbing trees. This is usually _fun_ . But something felt very wrong this time. Usually, he enjoyed the feeling of being alone in the air, of knowing that no one could bother him. But over the course of the summer, that feeling had gotten more and more bitter. With every foot he climbed, he just felt more and more _lonely_. It was crushing him.

 _Nothing and no one and nothing and no one would notice if I just and nothing and no one and nothing_. He was a little over half the way up when he had to stop. He sat down on a sturdy limb, bracing his back against the trunk. Without moving the rest of his body, he swiveled his eyes downward to see the ground. Surprisingly, he’d never had a problem with heights, so this didn’t cause him any additional consternation. He saw his backpack lying where he’d dropped it a few hours ago, a couple feet from the base of the tree. He couldn’t remember why he’d brought it.

He closed his eyes again, and remembered something he’d read in science class a few years ago. The teacher had gone out unexpectedly, leaving the substitute with no lesson plan, so she had just passed out some old copies of National Geographic and told everyone to read something sciency and cool. Evan had found an article about rock climbers, and he remembered the person who wrote it had something called the “sixteen foot rule”. It meant that if it looked like someone had fallen from sixteen feet or higher, they should be rushed to hospital immediately, because they were most likely grievously injured.

Of course, that was when someone would be falling onto hard rock. Looking down again, Evan guessed he was about twenty-five feet above the soft dirt. That should be enough. He thought about last words for a moment, but no one was there to hear him, so he remained silent. For a final time, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath. He took his arms off the branch, shifted his weight ever so slightly, and let himself fall.

  
  


 

 

He must have blacked out for a second, because he woke up on the ground, face up, with his arm numb and pinned awkwardly beneath him. Actually, correction; his arm wasn’t numb, it just hurt so much that his nerves couldn’t register properly. He opened his eyes and found himself staring up at the sky again. _Did I just- no, no I didn’t. I slipped and fell. It was an accident. My hands were sweaty, they slipped, and I fell. I mean, what was I thinking, closing my eyes while up a tree? Of course I slipped, I have no sense of balance. This was an accident. An accident. I didn’t do this on purpose. No. No way. That would be a terrible thing to do to, and I’m not a terrible person. Right?_

_Right?_

He closed his eyes and decided to wait until someone came and found him. Just, for once, he wanted someone to help him. He wasn’t going to move until someone got him.

When the sun started to set, he realized that wasn’t going to happen. Slowly, he sat up, shooting pains racing through his side. He reached into his right pocket with his left hand for his phone, and called his mother. No answer. And that was fine, Evan knew she was at work, he knew she wasn’t allowed to use her phone there, he’d just wanted to try. _Of course I wouldn’t jump out of a tree, Mom would hate me if she knew that I tried that. I mean, if she_ thought _I had tried that, because I didn’t, and you can’t_ know _things that didn’t happen_.

Everything ached worse than before, but Evan knew that the only way he was getting out of the forest was if he walked out himself. Because no one heard him. He didn’t make a sound.


End file.
